I know, it’s not the usual thing you’d write a blog about, but stick with me.

Context

So, recently my partner’s car of sixteen years finally became too expensive to run (YES!) and we had to get him another one.

In order to maintain the power he was used to, there was only one make that would fit the bill: A BMW.

I know. It’s horrifying. I was horrified, but he’s good with these things, he researched the options and this was the cheapest to run, good for the family and so on.

So we found this second-hand BMW, it was all good, so we bought it.  ‘Where is this heading?’ I hear you cry. Well its heading here: car hierarchy, see, I said it in the title.

Now he drives a BMW, and he’s officially an arsehole (whereas before he was just an occasional arsehole), where on the level of other BMW drivers does he rank in levels of arsehole?

For those of you who don’t know what I’m going on about, it’s a running joke in Britain that BMW owners drive like arseholes. They tail-gate, cut you up, won’t give way…the list is endless.

And so, when you become a BMW driver, there’s a series of questions that will inevitably arise:

  1. Will I feel my levels of arsehole rise, or is it a natural transition?
  2. Do I have a choice on my arsehole status, or is it dictated by the car?
  3. When I’m involved in a confrontation with another BMW arsehole, how do I know who outranks the other?

And its this third question that has prompted this post.

Its a muddy subject. There’s a lot to consider:

Is the series of BMW relevant? And if so is the 1 series highest, or an 8 series? 

In this instance, the prominence of the pedestrian killer on the front means that the 8 series is definitely the most superior arsehole.

But then, how does an 8 series compare with the X, Z, and M ranges?

[NB: I’ve not included the i range or the PHEV hybrids here because they’re better for the environment, thus their arsehole status drops significantly].

My partner now drives a 3 Series. So what happens if said 3 series comes up against another 3 series?

See, now it’s getting complicated. I can only assume that the model would be the decider here. So if a 320D arsehole, comes up against a 325D arsehole, does more power mean more arsehole?

I’ve confused myself now, I don’t know the answer to this question. What I’ve taken from this today however, is that my partner is merely an entry-level 3 series arsehole.

And I think I can live with that.

Arsehole Count: 13 (damn-it, I was aiming for an even number).